Both of them had a few things in common, but it was their differences that set them far apart. They were born only six years apart, one in the Midwest, and the other in New England. They could have been countries apart when you consider how different they were.
The Midwest mom grew up on a farm in southern Indiana with her four brothers and sisters. She told stories of running through the corn and how she hated snakes. Her own mom would can mounds of fruits and vegetables and play games like Perquacky and Yahtzee with the grandkids. This mom learned worked hard. She held onto the kind of work ethic that only motivated-minded people have. She was proud that she graduated from high school and was able to work her way up in the cleaning service industry from plain ole housekeeper to, district manager and then an administrative position. She was a quiet mom and fiercely protective of her children.
The New England mom grew up in small towns in Massachusetts. She was an only child. She told stories of playing neighborhood games of hide and seek and how she did hate frogs. Her mom was self-absorbed and took great pride in keeping a neat home that could have made the pages of Better Homes and Gardens. Her mom didn’t care much for playing with grandkids. This mom lost her motivation early in life, dropped out of high school and floundered. This mom pretty much stayed home. She tried holding jobs on occasion but never lasted long due to her dependency on alcohol.
The Midwest mom looked at you and touched you when she spoke. She made her requests with a please and a thank you. She was never afraid to tell you straight out what needed changing and she taught you things like how to can, make a garden and clean a wall without leaving streaks. She was home at night and would sometimes rub lotion on your back and brush your hair.
The New England mom started out like many new moms. She colored in coloring books, she sewed doll clothes and a red corduroy rabbit. But something happened and that all changed. She yelled a lot. She didn’t hug or say I love you. She slapped your legs with wire coat hangers when you didn’t clean your room. Mostly she yelled or just didn’t talk to you at all. She drank everyday then.
Both moms had one man in common, my dad. The New England mom was his first wife, my biological mom. They were together for about seven years when she left with a suitcase and one of my little brothers. The Midwestern mom was Dad’s second wife, my stepmother. They were together for over forty years.
Both moms had another thing in common. Me. They both taught me things. The Midwest mom taught me responsibility and kindness. She taught me to work hard and to take time to touch the ones you love. The New England mom taught me what I didn’t want to be.
The final thing they had in common was one bad habit. They both smoked cigarettes and in the end it killed them both. Both women became afflicted with lung cancer and they both died. The most telling thing about these women was how they handled their illnesses and how they handled their imminent deaths.
New England mom had a horrid cough and eventually began to spit up blood but she didn’t want to go to the doctor for fear of what he might say. By the time she did go see the doctor, there was little they could do. She lasted about a year. Midwest mom found out by accident that she had the disease. She went in for her annual chest x-ray because as a child she had been exposed to Tuberculosis. One particular x-ray showed a spot on her lung. She had a portion of the lung removed and received chemotherapy. She went into remission but it came back. She had a second operation to remove more of the lung and then had more chemo. When it came back again there could be no surgery and so began numerous rounds of chemo, radiation and an assortment of drugs. Sometimes the tumor would shrink, sometimes it would do nothing, and sometimes it would come back with a vengeance. Then another tumor and another. Eventually it took over and we knew it was winning.
The remarkable thing about the moms is how they conducted the end phase of their lives. New England mom was afraid. Her fear caused her much confusion, pain and eventually panic. She denied what was happening to her up until very near the end. She fought against it with denial and cried out in despair, “Why?”
Midwest mom was never heard to ask why. She was never heard to blame or condemn, though she did like to think it really wasn’t the cigarettes. She made peace with those around her and made preparations. When she knew death was imminent she asked to be baptized; something she had thought about since she was a child. In her last years she had grown in her spirituality and could often be found in her Lazy-Boy reading her Bible or daily devotional. Whereas New England mom’s death was panicked, Midwest mom’s was peaceful. She never cried out. She was full of grace and dignity. She went to sleep and drew her last breath and we almost didn’t notice.
Midwest mom’s birthday is coming up and so I have though of her and what she did for me and how I miss her emails and how I haven’t been able to remove her name from my online address book.
In Memory of Virginia K. "Ginny" Wise
March 18, 1939- October 15, 2005
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